Oh, The Vampire Diaries ... Seriously? Are you going to reference one of the few great vampire films to come out since Nosferatu in your title this week? Are we to be so brutally set up for hope, only to be doomed to depression and disappointment?

Let’s face it. We don’t need a bail-out for Wall Street or Main Street, the big guy or the little; we need a special welfare program for the children of the dumb-ass hos. That’s what I learned this week on everyone’s third-favorite-of-all-time teen vampire show, The Vampire Diaries: shitty parents are ruining America.

It has happened: The much anticipated (?) return of The Vampire Diaries to our televisions. This may be called the Spring Break edition recap.

Let me spin a little tale for you. Follow me and imagine!

Last Time: Damon and Stefan were getting all chummy. Damon was even coOKing dins for the Gilberts! An adorable Rockwellian time was had by all, except for Stefan, who is planning on screwing Damon over. And, oh yeah, all these bitches are vampires. We’ve discovered that the only people attracted to baby Jeremy and witches are crazy vampires. What a bummer for them.

Last week: Haha I’m so behind with these, you probably just have to look at the last post. Sweet!

Why, Hello! It is that time again, the time when I, accompanied by my cat or stuffed tiger, Magnus, commune with the teenage vampires living inside the television box in an attempt to speak to and understand the “youth.”

Good morning everyone, this is ME coming to YOU to talk about Life Unexpected, the show that I am fully anticipating to be totally ridiculous. But I will give this recap a go and keep an open mind. Creak! (Releasing of air)... Hear that ... mind opening. It’s a bit rusty.

Good Evening Ladies and Gents. Can you believe it? I mean, CAN you believe it!? This recap is, without fail, going to be published in a timely manner. So take that, ye of little patience. Moving on. Last week on The Show You Probably Just Missed to Wait in Line at the Cineplex for the Bipedal Sparklers: The gals got used and abused by a dead witch.

Hey nerds! Last week on Teens That Bite But Don’t Sparkle: Another fun lady character died, Damon joined a club, Stefan stayed mad, Elena stayed sad and then Cheerio and Matty got drunky and snuggly! Then we held a séance for John Hughes.