Democrats have hyped up the midterm elections as their Gingrich revolution; their coup de etat; their 1960’s revolution reborn. They have heightened the expectations to such a level that anything besides a democratic legislature will produce a backlash that will tear their party to pieces. They are counting on anti-republican sentiment to carry the day. This revolution, however, will never come.

Despite all the shortcomings of the Republican Party to balance their coalition of Evangelicals and economic conservatives; despite all the scandals and corruption; despite everything that appears to be going wrong today, the Democrats will not get the seven seats needed in the Senate or the 35 seats in the House. And here is why — they are the same Democrats that were voted out of every elected position years ago. And there is no better example of this than Jim Webb’s vie for George Allen’s seat in the senate.

On paper, Jim Webb is the perfect candidate for the Democrats’ new image. A decorated Marine, a true patriot, Vietnam hero, as well as a credited anti-war activist; there will be no Swift Boat Veteran story here … this guy is the real deal. Support the Troops voting base — Check.

Webb served as Secretary for the Navy under Reagan. The Democrats could not be more excited. They have the perfect “George W. Bush and the neo-cons have taken credibility out of the Republican party” candidate. Not even Charles “I’m not a hero” Barkley’s recent conversion to liberalism has grabbed as many headlines. Disgruntled moderate voters — Check.

The time is ripe; the candidate is perfect; so one must wonder why Webb is trailing by six percent of the vote headed into the election. And the answer is quite simple … he is a Democrat. The Democrats and Webb’s campaign staff are going to squander away a seemingly good candidate. Senator Allen’s recent campaign attack has exposed Webb as just another Democrat in “disgruntled moderate’s” clothing.

Allen’s latest revelation has exposed Webb’s depictions of sexually exploited children. As an author, he penned pieces of perverted fiction that would have Mark Foley jumping on Oprah’s couch (you know, when he starts his book tour). In fact, some of Webb’s fiction reads like the inevitable page-turner Mark Foley on Mark Foley, which is sure to hit Barnes and Noble by July.

Webb’s literary prowess is very well evident in this priceless gem from his 2002 novel Lost Soldiers: “A shirtless man walked toward them along a mud pathway. His muscles were young and hard … His eyes were so red that they appeared to be burned by fire. A naked boy ran happily toward him from a little plot of dirt. The man grabbed his young son in his arms, turned him upside down, and put the boy’s penis in his mouth.”

Webb went on WTOP radio in Virginia to defend himself. He protested the actual reading of the Lost Soldiers excerpt, saying it was inappropriate. He even called the Allen campaign’s press release a “Karl Rove tactic.” While Democrats are up in arms about tearing through every computer Mark Foley ever logged onto, they treat a public reading of their published literature like an invasion of their civil liberties (probably as a result of the Patriot Act).

After the complaining had quieted and the passage was read, Webb went on to defend his work, saying that the scene “is in no way sexual” because he saw it happen in a Bangkok slum. A Bangkok slum! You know Bangkok, the sex slave capital of the world … that Bangkok. Or at least it would appear that way to us ignorant Westerners, if only we understood that over there, it’s no big deal to put a 4 -year-old boy’s privates in your mouth. It is this type of cultural barrier that makes it so easy to understand why John Mark Karr (you remember, the American child molester who lied about killing Jon Benet Ramsey) chose Thailand as his vacation spot.

Is it just me or have I heard this before?

If Republicans are described as the Party of Blowhards, then the Democrats should be called the Party of Blow Jobs. Be it a father and son or an adulterous former Arkansas governor and a heavyset intern, if there is a penis in a mouth, the Democrats will be there to categorically deny that there is anything sexual about it.

With all the confusion about the good ol’ Bangkok father-son bonding experience settled, Webb went on the attack … John Kerry style.

Allen brought into question the need for such sexually explicit scenes in his book. And Jim Webb responded “I fought in Vietnam … you did not, so there.” Apparently Jim Webb and the Democrats did not get the memo explaining “Vietnam was soooooooo 2004.” John Kerry already reported for duty during his presidential campaign and “report for duty” he did … as a senator in Massachusetts.

Anytime Republicans bring to question a Democratic candidate’s past, all roads lead to Vietnam. Ask a Democratic veteran candidate about gay marriage and you’ll hear something like, “I fought in Vietnam, while you were off loafing around.” We know, generic Democrat veteran, we heard you the last time.

Howard Dean and Jim Webb have convinced themselves that the stars have aligned just right. And Michael Moore’s horoscope probably reads “a great change will come November 7th.” But it won’t. The Democrats have run the same campaign that they use every election cycle, and this one will be no different. They tell us they want to change the nation, but they can’t even change their campaign style. And that is why Nancy Pelosi will never hold the gavel.

Billy McMorris is a junior in the College of Arts and Sciences. He can be reached at wjm27@cornell.edu. John Manetta Once Told Me appears Tuesdays.