Keep It In Your Head, and Off Your Shirt
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Cornell is borderline obsessed with the motto: “any person, any study,” and while I think that’s a fabulous philosophy, I think it would be in the university’s best interest to modify that statement. We’ve got all kinds of people here, and really, that’s just great, but perhaps Cornell should revise the motto to say, “any person, any study… unless that person is wearing a t-shirt with a semi-obnoxious message on it, in which case he or she should just go home.”
We’ve all seen them. Maybe some of us have even worn them (not me, I swear). They’re those ratty, oversized shirts that say things like “FBI: Federal Boob Inspector,” and “Girlfriend Thief.” But much like the old maxim, “a witty saying proves nothing,” neither do these short-sleeved offenders. I really don’t mean to insult you if you frequent Spencer’s Gifts to buy these garments, but in all honesty, if you really did steal some girl away from her boyfriend, wouldn’t you be with her right now instead of strolling Ho Plaza in that bright yellow tee?
I think now would be an appropriate time to mention that I’m no fashion expert. In fact, I successfully dress myself so infrequently that on those rare mornings when I inadvertently look put together, I glance in the mirror and say, “Damn… I look good today.” Laugh all you want, but at least I don’t spend time in the sleazy section of Steve & Barry’s. Unlike the guilty parties involved here, I have the social graces to understand why it’s totally sacrilegious to wear apparel that says “I put the stud in study.” Let’s be honest — you didn’t put the stud in study. The only man in my academic life is Mr. John M. Olin, and we’re in a completely monogamous relationship.
Guys aren’t the only culprits, unfortunately. Nay, this problem transcends gender lines. Just the other day, as I walked to my first class of the day, I was shocked and chagrined by a “Mrs. Springsteen” shirt. As a proud New Jersey native, I’m thrilled that people are willing to spread the love for The Boss, but the shirt serves no purpose.
The worst category of offensive apparel, however, is all that is pompous. Everyone here is smart (well okay, for the most part), so there’s no need to wear clothing that says, “If there’s one thing I know, it’s everything.” Articles like these give Cornell a bad reputation. If I were on a campus tour, like so many prospective students right now, I would be completely turned off by this kind of attitude. In the name of saving the caliber of student body in the Class of 2012, the Cornell community needs to retire these ideals and the heinous shirts that accompany them. If, this coming August, three thousand-plus students show up and more than half of them are wearing Spencer’s latest line, I may pull a PETA and start pouring red paint on people. (Note: If you’re a member of EARS or Gannett Health Services, please don’t take that literally.)
I know it’s getting warmer and few of us are prepared, so I’m going to cut the Cornell community some slack, because most of us haven’t worn t-shirts since Orientation Week. But consider this a warning (but not in the creepy, Godfather sense). There is one wise t-shirt out there that will put all aficionados in their places, and I couldn’t say it any better myself: “Act like an asshole, get treated like an asshole.” Guy or girl, if you wear something obnoxious, lewd (in the wrong setting), or just plain old pretentious, you’re not going to be highly regarded. No one likes a smart Alec (wow, throwback), so go back to your apartment and change into something a bit easier to stomach. You’re not a bad person, or at least not all bad; you just made a bad choice this morning when you put on that remarkably offensive ringer tee.