Editorial
Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger
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Far below the University, in the Asphalt Jungle of the town, an army of ink slingers slaves away, working day in, and day out, on little sleep and lesser schooling to bring you — yes you, dear reader — the news.
In any Great Metropolis, there are HEROES who deserve recognition and VILLAINS who receive derision. Each Friday, in this space, are their stories. (insert sound effect here: cha-kung!)
This week saw the VILLAINOUS final departure of HEROIC former provost Carolyn A. “Biddy” Martin to the SUPERVILLAINOUS University of Wisconsin, home to a man-eating mutant called Bucky Badger, the Main Threat to morality, homeland security, and all that is holy. But don’t let the VILLAINOUS beast scare you. He’s really harmless. How do we know? In college, his pledge-name was Cartwheel. Isn’t that cute?
Anyway, when Biddy left we didn’t know how we were going to console ourselves, until we realized that C.U. has named Vice Provost for Equity and Inclusion Elizabeth A. “Beta” Mannix to carry on the tradition of HEROICALLY nicknamed Cornell Administrators. Nice one, Cornell. We’re glad you’re keeping H&V in mind when you make your staffing decisions.
At Clubfest, HEROIC citizens lashed out in protest against the VILLAINOUS Cornell Review, a dishrag founded by the ETERNALLY VILLAINOUS Ann Coulter ’84.
Here’s something that’s really really VILLAINOUS. H&V is freakin’ pissed. What’s with President David Skorton’s VILLAINOUS refusal to sign the Amethyst Initiative to consider lowering the drinking age to 18? And we thought that guy went to college or something. A little empathy? Maybe if we only drink sustainable, locally produced beer, he’ll come around.
Lastly, yesterday, the VILLAINOUS Ithaca Journal reported a $68,000 heroin bust in Lansing, just north of North Campus. That’s two years of tuition — in drugs. If we could afford it, we’d be junkies too.
Mistakes
How is Biddy Martin heroic? Why is her departure villanous? She was by far the most power-trippy member of the Cornell administration. She's the one who forced Lehman out along with several other faculty members she did not get along with.
C'mon guys. Do your homework before lionizing someone who forced out a great President and several other great faculty members. I'm not sure why this isn't more well known.