So I was all set to talk about how I disagreed with Rabia, and Life Unexpected, although it had faults, actually was fairly entertaining and kind of sweet, despite an absurd premise. (The same argument was made about Gilmore Girls when it came out a few years ago.) It even felt fairly, dare I say it? Wholesome.

But then something really frightening happened. I went on the CWTV website to see when Gossip Girl was coming back, and instead saw this: A little box, right under the next week’s episode promo, next to the Life Unexpectedmusic page, appeared.

It asked me: “How would your unexpected baby look?

………………………

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTT?!!!

I’m sorry, but how would my “unexpected” baby look? I cannot even, for a second, believe that The CW web extras people thought they were remotely onto a good idea by having this be an online game. I get that it’s supposed to be a joke. Maybe? But it does not. Remotely. Come off that way.

Can you imagine how that meeting went down? Some of the development people are sitting in the conference room, along with whoever handles webisodes or whatever at The CW/Warner Bros.

Dude 1: So, people, what ideas do we have to promote advertising today on the Life Unexpected site?

Chick 1: How about we have knitting patterns for Lux’s crazy knit hats?

Dude 1: Hmm … that’s possible.

Chick 2: Oooh, oooh, I know! Pregnancy tests! We move the plastic stick under the girl’s legs, and she pees on it, and you wait for it to load, and it tells you if you’re pregnant or not!

Dude 1: Almost there …

Chick 1: Wait a sec —

Dude 3 [interrupting]: Oh man, I know. Let’s like, make a Facebook App for stalkers and teenage girls with crushes who are too young to distinguish reality from make believe, so that they can see what their and Robert Pattinson’s baby would look like! Or their actual real life boyfriend.

Dude 1: I love that!

Chick 1: Umm. That can’t be right. I don’t think we should be promoting teen pregnancy ….

Dude 1: Nonsense! Then we can start selling ad space to diaper companies instead of just to Target.

The thing is, I seriously wish I could say this is the first online fuck up a TV show or network has made. But just as often as networks get it right (How I Met Your Mother has Barney’s blog, Robin Sparkles videos, and Marshall’s best night ever! Slideshow, among others; ABC sparked a super intense viral video game the summer after Lost’s second season aired), they get it wrong. So, so wrong in fact, that their online promotions promote the complete opposite message than the showrunner’s.   

Take, for instance, Dollhouse. A show that argued, legitimately, for personhood and questioned objectification to an intense degree, it’s online promotion campaigns included, of all things, a downloadable Echo / Eliza Dushku that you could pornographically get naked and then dress her up in a variety of outfits, like a creepier Sydney Bristow. I’d like to think that it was Fox’s social experiment to see how far people would go; or was a way of trying to get people to face up to their inner demons … but it’s Fox. So no.

Ditto on the Life Unexpected site. We went through the process; Rachel and I made a baby together. It was named Rabia 2.0, it was a girl, and she grew up to become a Caucasian Sports Hero. (The site let’s you choose your baby’s sex and race; a limited number of them, first, and so problematic on a racial scale I can’t even begin to … on the other hand, it would be super interesting to get all the results from the CW and see just how white it got up in there.) Rabia 2.0 also had a huge forehead. But was more frightening than Rabia 2.0’s huge forehead; or mad sportz skillz, was that the end result was a baby. We figured, and kept hoping, that it would show us a monkey or a puppy or a message would pop up informing us that having a baby was a serious decision, not to be taken lightly, with an ad for birth control.

But no. Not only did it follow through on our baby, it mentioned that, when we chose our baby mama/daddy, either “to choose wisely, or watch out, maybe it’s just a one night stand!”

NO.

No no no no no.

At this point I was confused. It seemed like it could maybe be a joke, but it (let’s face it, the show too) is too earnest for it to be. What’s more, even if I realized it might be joking  — or prayed for it to be — fourteen year olds, who certainly watch the show and have access to computers, do not.

If that wasn’t scary enough, the site encourages complete stalkerdom, showing how you can create false facebook albums and then share the news.

I can imagine how that would go down.

“Duudddddddddde. Congrats on the baby, man.” [Snickers]

“Wha – whaaat are you talking about?” [Boy, potentially still a virgin, practically pees his pants. His friends tilt the computer screen towards him.]

“Cindy from fourth period algebra. Good for you! The baby’s freakin’ ugly though.”

“What the?!” 

And scene.

The site is very careful to say “friend,” not “boyfriend” or “crush”— that word I have always hated, especially because it was always followed by giggling, even if it was only implied giggling in Seventeen magazine. And yes, it allowed Rachel and I to make a baby, which is somewhat revolutionary, so good on The CW. And I don’t really think they are encouraging teenage pregnancy. But if people can be sued for negligence, than I think The CW needs to be taken to town for downright stupidity. Somebody, somewhere, has to know what they were doing wrong.

Make your baby now!

However, if you’re interested in having a Caucasian sportz hero baby with me, go right ahead, if I’m your Facebook friend. I may call the cops afterwards, but hey, that’s on you.