Vampire Diaries: Sneak Recap Attack!

Last week: Haha I’m so behind with these, you probably just have to look at the last post. Sweet!

There’s an unknown scary vampire on the loose! I guess this is scarier than Damon because he’s unknown, but maybe also because he has scary black boots. So, Stefan’s breaking out the vervain box of tricks, jewelry for all the ladies, and some for poor Jeremy (who really doesn’t need to be wearing any more jewelry than he already does).

Meanwhile, these stupid fools forget that pizza guys can sometimes be vampires to, hello! So over-confident Jeremy and Kate invite the Pizza man in! Ughh, it’s like these people have never met vampires. I assume all pizza guys are vampires. You have to take precautions, you know?

Damon is mourning the loss of his one-time convenient love, Bree the witch (whose heart he brutally ripped out), by ransacking his library for the Grimoire of that other witch. He’s still searchin’ the night away for Katherine. I bet you one whole dollar that she’s gonna pop out of that tomb and be like, shit it’s that guy I banged that time in the 1800s ... seriously?! More likely, she’s gonna eat that cracker, TWIST!

In other book news, mad bitches are after Jonathan Gilbert’s novel. Nice Teach wants it. He wants it so bad he gave baby bro Gilbert an A on his extra credit. GO BABY BRO! The library girl also wants a crack at it, but is using another brand of whiles (her lady parts). Unfortunately, she’s failing epically and getting accused of stalking, comically of course. Damon is also going to find a reason to get his hands on this fun read.

IN Cheery and Matty news, there are many blue-collar drama issues. Is Caroline swimming in the dough these days? I thought her mom was the sheriff who got abandoned by the gay dad? Anyway, Matt is feeling like he’s not good enough, because Caroling sometimes makes snotty comments about bus boys. Caroline’s feeling like she and Matt have “peaked as friends.” Whatever that means.

Damon is being super nice, or as nice as he ever gets, which is a sort of creepy smiling. Bonnie isn’t convinced, however. What can you do. Can’t please everyone, especially those you’ve tried to kill. He, Elena and Stefan are getting along pretty well, prompting Caroline to ask: “Is this a threesome.” Haha that would be super weird and kinky. Too bad they’re all too boring for such things. Oh and also incest is illegal. Anyway, the brothers have banded together to protect Elena from the mysterious strange, who has now been invited in the goddmamn house. Way to go baby bro.

Stefan is trying to be a friend to Damon, but only to manipulate him. He wants Damon to trust him, so he’s offering to help Damon get his ladylove out of the tomb. He even brings him ANOTHER journal, their father’s. How many important journals and books are we supposed to be keeping track of right now?

As tends to happen on any teen show, the plot this week is circling around a dance, a 1950s dance. This is kind of fun. I wish I could have danced around to Sam Cooke instead of Ja Rule or that fucking Blue song when I was a teen. I mean, that dude sounds like a frog; I don’t know how Ashanti dealt with that. What a saint.

Just like the ’50s, conservative dresses and cropped trousers are barely veiling the sexual tension (which temporarily breaks when Alaric says “Boss”). Caroline and Bonnie are chased out by the presence of Damon. Stelena are getting their adorable slow-dance on. But most of all, auntie Jenna is all up in nice teach’s business. ALL UP IN IT. Also she seems to like talking about his dead wife, Isobel. SHUT UP, because Isobel is the name of the random prego girl who dumped baby Elena with the Gilberts. Intrigue. (Julie: Also the name of a Dido song, about a girl who gives up her baby. … That was an embarrassing confession.) Also getting awkward, were library girl and Jeremy: “Maybe I can walk you home,” she says. “Whoa what’s wrong with your eye,” He says. Library girl is a vampire. Called it. Unfortunately, there’s just no glory in an easy victory. I have to say I thought the party scene was pretty cohesive. Stelena didn’t annoy me. They finally seem like a couple that have a genuine attraction. They’re also starting to sound like normal people. Damon is dirty dancing up a storm with some random blonde. Even Teach, overwhelmed by the hormones, hits on Damon — I mean — interrogates him a little bit. I’m not so sure I’d be able to look at the man who killed my spouse right in front of me. We know that Damon didn’t turn Alaric, because of the whole “I lost my ring in the car thing.” Whatever his stupid ancestral ring means, it isn’t the same as those that Stefan and Damon wears. Perhaps, he is a vampire but he has magic underwear! That would be cool but seems unlikely.

Back in lame-land, Bonnie and Caroline are moping at the bar and grill (apparently the only place to consume food and booze in this town). Caroline confronts future deadbeat Matty, only to be brutally rebuffed. Meanwhile, Bonnie is successfully hitting on fellow “washed-up jock” at the bar.

Creepy road vampire is messing with Elena, Damon and Stefan. He keeps calling her on the phone, which really isn’t that intimidating. He does manage to isolate her, pulling a bait-and-switch with a hoodie (which is about as intimidating as it sounds). Most interesting, he’s in league with little library vampire! She’s not at all happy with him. This is probably because his intimidation techniques are lame, but also because he’s drawing more attention to himself than a clown in the middle of a wake.

Haha, clown in a wake.

But it doesn’t really matter because Stefan and Damon capture and torture the fool! The torturing with a stick in the heart was awesome. Stefan finally shows a little of the killer in him. Alaric is hot on their heels however, so Damon goes to interrogate the teach. A bit less effective this time around, smart teach has some herbal protection in his palm! He throws his glove at Damon’s Jedi trickery.

Having bonded with his bro during the torturing and the killing, Damon finally agrees to let Stefan help him open the tomb, as long as Stefan gets to kill the other vampires. Damon really thinks Katherine’s going to emerge out of that hole and swoon. What a dummy!

The romantic atmosphere continues unabated, despite the violence. Alaric and Jenna are mooning over each other at her door like schoolchildren. Matty finally tracks down cheery and they make out in the middle of the road. That’s what the road’s for! I’m glad someone gets it. It was cute, so I ignored the homage to The Notebook, which makes me want to die and drag Nicholas Sparks with me to hell. Elena and Stefan are getting snuggly on the couch. Happily for television, Elena feels like she’s “back.” She even concedes that she found torturing and killing that guy exhilarating. Creating a monster!

Whatever the library vamp wants, she’s working with hot bartender, who’s also a vampire. Who’s gonna break it to the Bonster! Both of them seem to be aware of Katherine. Perhaps they are contemporaries of the Salvatores?

It must be said, the music in this episode was a triumph, compared to the past few episodes. We ended with a creepy version of Sandman! What an amusing compliment to all of the absurd coupling going on. Generally, the characters seem much more convincing. Most surprising, Damon has emerged as a whole character that doesn’t change his tune every five minutes like a programmed robot. I didn’t have to fast-forward through every scene with only Stefan and Elena in it. And you gotta love Matty and Cheery. But why can’t Bonnie get some more magic going on?

The new bad guys are pretty lame. Library girl is boring. Hot bartender is hot but not scary. I’m also a bit tired of this whole let’s open the tomb gag. OPEN THE DAMN TOMB ALREADY! But the corollary to that is, I seem to care what happens! It’s mind-blowing. On the other hand, I was just forced by Julie to watch and recap the Life Unexpected pilot. It was the most repulsive pile of shit I’ve ever been exposed to, and I’ve seen a lot of piles of shit. I have a pet. Nevertheless, go VD, making the CW look better than NBC (snicker)!

This episode was all about the love. Stefan and Damon experiencing some bro love. Damon loving Katherine. Damon loving himself. History teachers loving journals more than porn (lies!). Elena and Stefan getting it on. Cheery and Matty are getting it together. The Bonster getting a crush. Too bad it’s an evil one. But more than that, It was about the lies you keep from the people you care about, and not the little ones. Wonder how Damon’s going to feel when Stefan pulls the rug out? Wonder how Bonnie is going to deal with the betrayal? Eh, whatever.

Have a good Monday, other fools who have class! Mwahahaha.

Signing off, senior laziness. (It’s a pun!)