The holiday shopping season is truly upon us: Last Friday the most voracious of tramps woke themselves at 4:30 a.m. to go running wild through Target as if they were on that defunct game show, Supermarket Sweep. Hey, at least they made out with that $2 toaster (normal retail value: $6) and a story about “that time when someone roundhouse kicked [them] in the head ... from behind.”

Since the holidays are quick approaching, are you now frantically wondering what to get me for Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa?

Aw, you shouldn’t have! Well, since you probably missed out on Friday’s fun, here follows my ideal list of presents, with contact info attached. You’re welcome.

‘Firm Grip’ Brand Butt Glue ($17.99, The Queen’s Choice, 2059 Listravia Ave., Morgantown, W. Va.)

You know, sometimes you just need to glue your booty to something: your swimsuit, your pants, your chair ...

I feel a spectacular prank coming on.

Do you think this is what J. Lo used at the 1999 Grammy Awards when she wore that gravity-defying boobalicious dress?

‘Hug Me’ Pillow ($29.99 plus shipping and handling from Overstock.com)

I am a little spoon. That’s a simple fact of life, like how I am also hell-bound (because I am left-handed) and am incredibly klutzy, especially when it comes to stubbing my toes. So when my big spoon is missing, or just in case I’d want a couple extra big spoons for some extra nightly attention, there’s this ‘Hug Me’ Pillow. A disembodied foam pillow in the shape of half of a medium-build (yet unusually ... squishy) man, wearing a beautiful blue chambray pajama top, is what about $30 will get you. But you won’t be able ever to repurchase your dignity.

Lippi Selk Wearable Sleeping Bag: (£89 Barmans Ltd., Saxon Way Industrial Estate, Melbourn, Hertfordshire, SG8 6DN, UK, 0870-428-0958)

This is great for the under-rested undergrad or the Ice Road Trucker in your life. (I’m assuming they also don’t get much quality sleep, what with the way they push their truck 2 tha limit.) Improve the waking life once and for all by erasing the division between awake and asleep with this wearable sleeping bag. Tired in that lecture hall? Wear this fluorescent yellow moon-man suit, and no one will ever notice you’re out. (Just don’t snore.)

Blackberry Bold 9700 ($250.00 + Monthly Calling/Data Plan, Verizon Wireless)

I’m really sick of all you jerks out there telling me that the time is nigh for a Blackberry purchase. I’m flattered you want to BBM me nonstop about your whereabouts (“in olin, where u @”; “in class, snoozeorama”; “in bed, gettin my sleep on, doggie”), but as it stands, you just rub rub rub the fact that I am a havenot in my face. Do me a favor and make me a have, already! Buy me the phone! And the data plan. Because I’m broke. And you do want my witty BBMs, don’t you?

Bernie Madoff’s Embroidered Mets Jacket ($500-$700)

Another man’s government-apprehended trash is another man’s treasure? All of Bernie Madoff’s personal effects went on auction recently, including his Mets jacket, valued at $500-700. And $500-$700 is not too much to spend on the people you love, especially when you are spending money on a jacket that advertises one of the most-teased teams in baseball. Fun Fact, c/o Time.com: “Unlike many others, the Wilpon family, owners of the Mets, invested with Madoff and escaped without any losses.” Go Mets!

UroClub ($49.95, www.uroclub.org)

This one really isn’t for me since I’m not anatomically shaped like that, but isn’t this just par for the course for the weak-bladdered golfer in your life? From what I understand, there aren’t many lavatories out on the course (which I don’t understand). So it’s taken only about two hundred years for someone to invent a dignified way to pee on the links. Simply insert and go into the top of a fun-looking mimic-club. Just don’t mix up this guy with your driver.

DIY Anni Albers Bobby Pin Necklace Jewelry Kit ($14.00, Urbanoutfitters.com)

Urban, are you sh*tt*ng me? Even with my store discount I’m not going to spend $14.00 on this crap. (But if you buy it for me, I won’t necessarily complain.) You know what this “DIY Bobby Pin Necklace” actually is? Corks with holes in it, bobby pins and a string. Urban writes (to cover up their asses): “German-born American textile artist Anni Albers was always creating, even during WWII when fine materials were in short supply. Back then, she’d use unlikely objects from hardware and stationery stores to constantly make new and exciting pieces. A pioneer of 20th century Modernism, Anni, along with her husband Josef, revamped and challenged the purpose and aesthetics of modern art. Based on an original 1941 piece that was featured in Anni’s exhibition of “common object jewelry,” this Bobby Pin and Ball Chain kit lets you easily create an eye-catching piece. A simple, easy project, the kit includes all the components needed to create the necklace shown plus a photo of the finished product as a guide.”

As far as I know, this ain’t ration time, but if bobby pins stabbing you in the jugular is your idea of fun, this kit is just your bag.

Amazon Kindle 2 ($300.00, Amazon.com)

... because that “stop-animated” commercial with the girl pulling a rabbit out of a hat totally sold me with clear, precise information about the product Amazon is selling. (J.K.!)