There were so many things wrong with the 52nd Grammys. SO MANY. Celine Dion did a Michael Jackson tribute. The “Pants on the Ground” guy did a preshow performance. The Situation and Snooki were in attendance. Beyonce covered Alanis Morisette’s “You Oughta Know.” Elton John looked like a chimney sweep from Mary Poppins. Green Day won a Grammy? Quentin Tarantino introduced Drake, Eminem, and Lil Wayne saying “hip hop is 4 eva.” Then the trio rapped so many curses that there were more bleeped out parts than heard ones. Pink spun from the ceiling dripping wet and showered the audience while wearing a flesh-colored body suit. I had to drive to Target to get 3D glasses that didn’t work. Jon Bon Jovi wore a leather sweatshirt … I think you get my point.

Now, you may be sitting there thinking, ‘The Grammys happened already!?’ Yes, they did. And you were obviously one of many people spared of viewing the atrocity that was a once-coveted awards ceremony.

But how can one summarize such a disaster? Did the New York Times’ Dave Itzkoff get it right when he tweeted, “I wish I had a small child right now so I could tell him or her to turn off the TV and go to bed” or did Barrett Lane ’10 hit the nail on the head when he commented, “The last time I watched the Grammys, I was in high school. I mean, you could make an album of farts and get nominated today.” The answer is both. Three and a half hours of performances later and I don’t think I would have survived the telecast without the numerous live blogs and a non-stop twitter feed constantly critiquing and cracking jokes about how horrendous the music industry gathering was.

It was like an awards show, minus the awards … or the awards speeches … or the lifetime achievement montage … or anything that makes an awards show an awards show. This is all of course to be blamed on the steep drop in ratings over the years. According to Nielsen, “Last year the cost of a 30-second commercial during the show dropped below $500,000 for the first time in a decade.” So it seems that CBS figured, if we get rid of the awards because nobody follows record sales anyway, and we pump the show with performances, maybe somebody will watch?

But watch nobody did. After texting an invite to more than 50 friends to come to a viewing party at my apartment, only three friends (you three are the best!) came to hang out on my couch and take in the event. In comparison to the rest of the country watching, three out of 50 is probably an unevenly sky-high ratio.

However, I can’t blame my friends for not wanting to stop by. Although I’m sure this wasn’t the reason they didn’t show, only eight awards were given out in a three and a half hour span. That’s about one award every half hour! How can it be called an awards show when only eight awards were aired and the Recording Academy gives out more than 100 prizes? Even worse, the eight winners were given a maximum of 30 seconds to say their thanks. The first winners, three male geniuses’ behind Beyonce’s “Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)” (I know, can you believe three dudes wrote that song?) couldn’t have even said “put a ring on it” three times fast before the outro music played them off-stage. What was the point?

But by far the most absurd element of the evening was when Green Day won Best Rock Album. I mean, did you listen to 21st Century Breakdown? Better yet, did you even know Green Day released an album this year? So even the eight measly awards the academy managed to salvage were a joke.

Except, however, the very final award: Album of the Year. This sole award was given the proper adieu, with reasonable nominees you’ve listened to, an exciting win by Taylor Swift who managed to beat that sac-full-of-ego, Sasha Fierce, and a practical allotment of time to give a thank-you speech. But that was literally the only acceptable award and if you managed to make it to the wee moments of the program to catch that part — major kudos!

Otherwise, one of my three in-apartment viewers, Caitie Clark ’10, summed up the Grammy shenanigans best; “The Golden Globes were more entertaining than the Grammys this year. I paid more attention to the Golden Globes and NO ONE pays attention to the Golden Globes.”

In layman’s terms, Grammy FAIL.