I’m currently seeing (is that what the kids are calling it these days?) a super genius mechanical engineer. Half the time I have no idea what he’s talking about because it usually involves math and logic (my two arch nemeses). But the other half of the time, we both happen to speak one language. Yes, he has a magnificent taste in television, mainly because it’s the same as mine. There’s something about the magical bond of TV that is tighter then the bromance between Shawn & Gus on Psych. Why else would people stand around a water cooler to talk about it? TV is an entire world onto itself, functioning on a different orbital path from Earth. Essentially, it’s the Lost sideways version of our own lives (minus the polar bears).

Think of it like this: each show is its own language. Yes trekkies (tlhIngan maH!), you’re not the only ones who can speak jibberish and separate your fingers to look like strange creatures from The Blue Lagoon. When, for example, a certain Show–That-Can-Not-Be-Named (because it’s stupid and will make you lose brain cells even reading the title) has people pumping their fists in unison and giggling over “The Situation,” they share an unfortunate bond. Other people who (thankfully) don’t know of the show will look at you like you’re a leper and cringe at the sight simply because they don’t understand.

If each show has its own language, then each channel would be its own country. Yes, most countries don’t go around giving themselves awards at the end of the year, but that’s how TV society works. To see all the cogs in motion, just look at the machine working once the pieces fit together. If my engineer and I are watching 24, not only are we in FOX country, but we’re speaking the language of 24. This usually leads to lots of “Damn its” and angry Russians. We have yet to vacation to the land of ABC and speak Conveyor Belt of Love, but I’m hoping we spring for something less Vegasy and more classy like 30 Rock on NBC (“I want to go to there”).

The powerful attribute of living in the same country and speaking the same language is that it creates a form of nationalism, which I shall be calling “televisionism” (say it 3 times fast while patting your stomach). Televisionism has the ability to bond the 2-30 million people watching the show. That’s an incredible army of fist pumpers and “That’s what she said”-ers. It’s why executives at CBS live in constant fear of peanuts after they received 40,000 pounds (or 8 million individual peanuts) when fans wanted to save the show Jericho from cancellation. Ditto for Arrested Development, which had fans sending frozen banana popsicle sticks to FOX executives for the same reason (I guess they didn’t realize that there’s always money in the banana stand).

So use the force of televisionism. Stephen Colbert does with his “Colbert Nation.” Whether it be you just need a topic of conversation to say to that certain someone while waiting for your coffee at Green Dragon, or you just don’t want to hear about the 9th dimension and how to calculate the trip in kilometers, take a detour to Food Network and speak Ace of Cakes. The conversation will have ingredients that will make for something delicious.