TV is not real life. Or, at least that’s what I was told over the course of my childhood.  Of course, that’s not to say that television can’t accurately depict reality (see: Keeping Up With the Kardashians). But every scene and every line of dialogue is cleverly constructed and sharply delivered, and that is something not often the case in real life. In fact, this past decade, in the era of reality television and mockumentaries, television has dabbled mostly in the unreality (the ridiculousness!) to entertain us. Absurdity is masquerading as reality, and we crave it. But we cannot emulate it.

The “talking head” interview, paramount to the documentary-parody genre that includes Modern Family and The Office, can partially be blamed for this reality gap between what’s on TV and what’s real. This is certainly ironic, considering that the talking head is intended to add an element of realism to the sitcom.

However, as is often the case during The Office, writers produce perfectly scripted lines for characters to deliver in order to elicit hilarious reactions. But can these deadpan deliveries really be taken as spontaneous moments of brilliance for these characters?

I will concede that this may very well be the case for talking head interviews. In fact, the interviews encourage scripted dialogue. Since they are taped, I buy the premise that characters like Dwight Schrute can be deliberate about their monologues captured by the documentary crew. Dwight clearly plans for stardom for whatever the documentary crew has in mind for the footage. (If only Dwight was aware that his fame has reached bobblehead status).

As proof, I believe Dwight carefully rehearsed the following assertion before an interview: “I wish I could menstruate. If I could menstruate, I wouldn’t have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I’d just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus I’d be more in tune with the moon and the tides.”

On other shows, I am not convinced that the witticism is genuine to the character, but I enjoy it. The lines are there for effect: to catapult characters to cult status. How did Jane Lynch’s Sue Sylvester become a cultural icon this past year on Glee? The proof is in her epic insults:

“I'm going to bring some Asian cookery to rub your head with. Because right now you’ve got enough product in your hair to season a wok.”

And: “Your hair looks like a briar patch. I keep expecting racist animated Disney characters to pop up and start singing songs about living on the Bayou.”

Or Barney Stinson on How I Met Your Mother?  How many people can, on cue, categorize the four types of women who can be found at a hardware store and describe how they can be seduced?

On 30 Rock, the same is true for Alec Baldwin, who as Jack Donaghy arguably delivers the best lines on television. His retorts are composed of quick moments of brilliant insight that are slightly offensive, and the effect is akin to being knocked off your feet, feeling a bit like the vertigo-stricken Lucille Austero on Arrested Development.

Some of his insults to Tina Fey’s Liz Lemon include: “I like you. You have the boldness of a much younger woman.”

“Women your age are more likely to be mauled at the zoo than get married.”

And, “The grown-up dating world is like your hair: sometimes awkward triangles occur.” To which Liz responded: “I feel like you’ve been saving that one.” 

It is the absurdity that one could so effortlessly deliver these lines spontaneously at which Tina Fey is poking fun.

I say that life would be a lot more entertaining if we could talk like Jack Donaghy, Sue Sylvester or Barney Stinson. Often times, when insults are hurled at us, or we are forced to react to a quick remark, we fail to immediately respond with anything intelligent or in any sense witty.

For a social experiment, I urge readers to try out lines from the people who are paid and win awards to deliver them. Instead of making them your Facebook statuses, try practicing them in human conversation. Can we take a lesson from Marshall Eriksen on How I Met Your Mother when someone reacts smugly to us? After being mocked for checking into hotels during work hours so Marshall could read a magazine while indisposed — to avoid being judged by his coworkers — he reacted to his friend’s Robin’s astonishment: “Hey Robin, do you want me to see if the waitress has any sugar cubes for that high horse of yours.” 

Or from 30 Rock’s Tracy Jordan in times of disappointment? When Liz and Jack told him he would not be able to fulfill his dream of flying off to space, he countered, “What is this, Horseville? Because I’m surrounded by naysayers.”

Although I am skeptical that either brilliant moments of wordplay will work, I am reasonably sure these scripted lines will fare better in conversation than this spontaneous one from Lady Gaga, who while accepting her VMA for Video of the Year Sunday announced: “I never thought I’d be asking Cher to hold my meat purse.”