As I write this, I have been awake for over 36 hours in the middle of a Hell Week more miserable than any other that I have experienced in my college career. I try to keep a cool head most of the time and hold on to an “It’ll get done eventually” attitude, but this week I’m all stress. I can hardly keep my eyeballs in my head with how much caffeine I’ve been ingesting, and from the looks of it, not many of you are doing too hot either.

So please: Masturbate.

That’s right. Take a little study break, peel your ass from its groove in the chair, and go rub one out in the bathroom. You need it. You DESERVE it. And honey, there’s no better stress reliever than a good old-fashioned orgasm. You’ll get everything you don’t have now: relaxed muscles, a wave of euphoria and good will, and maybe even a little pep in your step.

Do it. Go. I’ll wait.

Yeah, I couldn’t do it either. At this point my carpal tunnel’s reducing finger dexterity to nil, but my hand sure is shaking enough for a substitute vibrator. It’s all about balance, know what I mean? Can’t quite let go of that can of Red Bull?

No, that’s too potentially harmful for me to even joke about. Put that down.

Clearly stress is a major inhibitor to getting your rocks off solo-style. Take a few deep, calming breaths. Coach yourself. You can do this. You will become a fountain (or a well, or a … puddle? Ahem) of contentment. You will achieve true, sticky Enlightenment. You are a profoundly powerful and moist individual. There is only you, your hand (or accessory), and the will to come buckets.

I feel better now, don’t you? Now that our minds are clear and our intentions are pure, we can consider the finer aspects of masturbation.

One: You can do it all by yourself. All you need to get started is your hand. You can accessorize later with porn, toys, or a friend (no sir, masturbation doesn’t have to be a lonely activity!). But in the interest of discretion, keep it simple while you’re locked in a bathroom stall in Uris.

Two: Stealth masturbation is way easier than trying to bone in the stacks without getting caught. See above.

Three: You are in complete control. No time restraints (or lots of them), you’re only responsible for getting yourself off, and you can do it as often or as sparingly as you want.

So those things are all great and all, but what do you do if the sounds of people peeing and toilets flushing don’t exactly get your nibbly bits excited? And what if you’re someone who just has a better time of sex when someone else is involved?

You could wait til you got home and call an expensive 1-900 number to have some middle-aged house wife who calls herself “Candy” talk all breathy-like into your ear. But that’s like 99 cents a minute and anyway, why pay for something you could get for free?

I’m talking about dirty-talk, sweet nasty nothings you whisper into your lover’s ear to get ‘em all hot and bothered, and it is a fabulous addition to any masturbatory experience. In my tweaked and crazy state four hours away from him, the only access I have to Boyf is via phone and Internet. And since it’s mad hard to type and fap-fap, we tend to end up swapping auditory spit.

If it’s your first foray into phone sex, there are some things to remember. You’ll want to get comfortable before you start anything. Maybe even get a headset or a Bluetooth so you can be hands-free and hands-on at the same time. Unless you might be into people listening in, you’ll probably want to be someplace private. So get the hell out of the library, nerd.

Now, all you have to do to have phone sex is describe stuff. You should also have a solid enough comfort level with your phone-fuck partner not to be worried that they’re going to laugh at you or anything, or be comfortable enough to laugh with them if they do. Ain’t nobody said this had to be serious.

So all you have to do is what you normally do when you’re jacking or jilling off. Then you gotta talk about it. What you’re doing, how you’re doing it, and what it feels like are all wonderful things to include in your verbal bouquet. Here, I have included a Mad Lib to help you:

I am (verb)-ing my (body part) with my (other body part, accessory, etc). I’m doing it (adverb) and it feels so (adjective).

Try this a few times on your own. Have a little sexy chat with yourself. Use voices. Or maybe sock puppets. When you’re down with just comfortably saying these things, call your partner and let ‘er rip.

Don’t be afraid to let out some sounds as you (verb) yourself. Not only are sex noises hot, but if you run out of stuff to say, they make great filler. Plus, when your partner can’t see you, hearing you enjoy yourself is the next best thing.

When you can’t say anything else about what you’re doing to your nipple, penis, feet, or armpit, try getting your partner more involved. Talk about what you’d like them to do with you or to you. Make up little scenarios and narrate them. It would look something like:

(Partner’s name), I want you to (verb) me on the (piece of furniture) in (location). I want you to (verb) my (body part) til I (expression of emotion). Take my (body part) into your (orifice) and (verb) til I beg you to (verb).

See? Easy as pie.

So, Cornell, I send you off for Winter Break with this little gem:

By yourself and all alone

or with a friend and on the phone,

jack off, jill off, beat your meat,

juice the peach — it’s really neat.

Liana Mancini is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences. She can be reached at lmancini@cornellsun.com. The Shocker appears alternate Thursdays.