By now, I’m sure all past, present and future Cornellians are irritated by the continuous coverage of the meager cuts the Theatre, Film and Dance department is facing. Almost all of the guest columnists (and the wretched vermin that frequent and run savecornellarts.com) who dare chastise our venerable leader (Dean G. Peter Lepage) have mentioned the fact that He refuses to meet with students to discuss the inevitable death of performance arts at Cornell. In addition, these “articles” rebuke our revered leader for repeating facts that are already known to the general Cornell population. Contrary to their accusations, Dean Lepage’s actions are not “cheap” tactics used to belittle or confuse the population, but are rather masterful works of propaganda. Moreover, by placing the emphasis on the TFD department’s control of the issue — when obviously the all-knowing University administration is actually in control of the budgetary decision — Lepage gives the illusion that the department is being given enough resources to thrive. When the crippled department is finally unable to produce quality theatrical productions or give students any semblance of passionate and tailored instruction, the program will be viewed as a failure and its ultimate undoing will be attributed to its own incompetency. Genius, pure genius.

This mission to exterminate the performance arts at Cornell is necessary for our continued survival as a leading research university. Educating is not what the TFD department does. The subversive Theatre program itself wastes millions of dollars each year putting on “productions” filled with talentless hacks the department hires as RPTAs and blatant homosexuals they have found in the student body. These RPTAs, the scourge of the earth, take paychecks from our University fully knowing they do not possess Ph.D.s. How dare they?! These creatures, and the Theatre department as a whole, believe that a lifetime of experience may be as valuable as a graduate degree. We are a leading research university, not a welfare service. Such an idea is preposterous and detrimental to the maintenance Cornell’s image.

I personally have to admit that I was once lured into the TFD program by its flashy lights and the promise of fame but I can personally attest to the fact the department tried to brainwash me whenever I was in the building. It would be subtle, almost undetectable. It started when I noticed the small class sizes and the amount of student input into the class material. Then suddenly, the teachers would start learning my name and start instructing me one on one. As a student taking pre-med courses, this personal element was completely unheard of in my other lectures. What was described to me as caring and attentive teaching, I immediately recognized as indoctrination into a cult of lazy hippies. I then ran from the building, screaming with my ears and eyes covered tightly.

I would also like to give due credit to the University administration. After all, the decision to immobilize the arts is not wholly Dean Lepage’s idea. However, as sad as I am to admit it, Dean Lepage and the administration do have one fault: Their proposal leaves too many loose ends in its goal to quell the festering TFD department. For example, if one were to cut all the indolent non-professionals in the Dance department, there will still be one professor left. This lone instructor could create 10s of dancers within the next 50 years (granted the TFD department lasts until then), thereby displacing all the progress we have been trying to make in eradicating their academic existence. Lastly, the department as a whole will only lose 68 TFD courses (a paltry 27 Theatre Arts courses, a pitiful 36 Dance courses and an embarrassing five Film courses) if the Administration does — and I personally pray that it will — decide to cut the upper limit of $2 million from the TFD’s current $4.4 million budget. 

Personally, I would have put the Dance department and the entirety of the Schwartz Center for the performing arts out of its continual misery, but our most righteous administration is too merciful. That, in my humble position, is its single, holy, fault. Ah, but therein lies the brilliance of the Administration, giving the students a façade of breadth while stripping away the substance under our feet.

P.S. — I apologize, Dean Lepage, for parts of this article (scotch sometimes loosens the writing muscles too much) but I do not intend to insult you or any of your persons (even though your own op-ed has insulted us students in its complete ignorance of our arguments against your proposed cuts). I only intend to mock your position on the budget cuts and your way of thinking. I hope we can still be friends.

Xiaolong Li is a junior in the College of Arts and Sciences. He can be contacted at redcomet2007@gmail.com Guest Room appears periodically this semester.