I’m no feminazi, but as a woman, players disgust me. They lie, cheat and womanize, leaving a trail of broken ladies behind them with no qualms about any of it. That being said, as a human being, players impress me. They lie, cheat and womanize like their lives depend on it and yet they have a seemingly endless supply of women at their disposal. You have to admit, that takes some skill. On second thought, that takes a lot of skill.
I’m not particularly interested in discussing players or their tactics though. What I want to talk about are the complaints I have to endure in a player’s wake. I have yet to succumb to a player’s various charms but, unfortunately, many of my girlfriends regularly do. Due to this lamentable occurrence, I have found myself, more than once, on the receiving end of rants that start with phrases like, “I just don’t understand why he doesn’t want to date me” or “it’s like all he wants from me is sex.” Um, obvi.
At times like these, I want to put my caps lock voice on and tell my friends that I could smell the eau d’ouche Johnny Jerkface was wearing from my apartment. But I don’t. I wait it out. I sit and listen like any good friend would. I offer consoling words; mostly “it’s his loss,” followed up with a “you’re going to bounce back from this. C’mon, let’s get schwasted tonight! You can be the designated drunk!” I almost always regret suggesting booze since it leads to a lot of beer tears but I’m pretty sure “patiently tolerating drunken sobs” is an obligatory evil detailed in The Girl Code.
By now, I’m accustomed to most of the banal whines of my lady friends who have been slighted by callous men. However, there is one whine I cannot stand. I go apeshit when I hear this particular complaint: “Why can’t I find a nice guy?” Well, my dear douche baguettes, it should be pretty easy to find a nice guy because they’re all right where you put them — in the hellhole we refer to as “the friend zone.” Listen up, girls — if you’re wondering where the nice guys are (the Cory Matthews of the world, if you will), you’re actually an ignoranus. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this particular colloquialism, that’s someone who is not only ignorant, but also an asshole.
Women have been throwing worthy men into the friend zone for far too long. Boys, if a girl you like has ever used any of the following phrases to define you or your relationship, head for the hills:
1) He’s such a nice guy: A girl will incessantly whine about how she can’t find a nice guy as soon as Joe Sixpack breaks up with her. Oddly enough, this does not help your case. You’re screwed if she actually thinks you’re a nice guy because that means she doesn’t think of you in any sexual capacity. Being a “nice guy” gives you the overall sex appeal of a physics major passed out in Duffield. Scratch that, I actually love nerds. No, seriously, I do. But you get the idea.
2) We’re just friends: This is synonymous with her completely disregarding your genitalia. You might as well have a vagina. You’re just another one of the girls if this is how your crush describes you. Sorry, but someone was bound to break the news to you.
3) He’s my BFF: This is worse than being “just friends.” This is worse than castration. This is the bottom of the barrel. Find yourself someone else because there’s no way you’re making a comeback from being her BFF. It’s the kiss of the death.
The obvious question to ask now is “how do I get out of the friend zone?” That’s pretty tough. Girls are often oblivious to the sexual advances of men they’ve friend zoned. My best advice is to make your intentions clear from the get-go. If you like her, tell her. If you’re too shy to tell her, ask her to do something super casual — watch a movie, grab coffee, etc. — but make it obvious that this is more than two friends hanging out. Put your arm around her during the movie or something. And pay for her ticket. Always pay. Chivalry may be dead, but paying (or offering to pay) is not. You don’t have to be made of money, but come on ... you did just ask her out. Plus, it’s your first date and you are trying to impress her, aren’t you?
There are two main take-aways from my column today. First and foremost, don’t let yourself become a platonic friend — there’s a very low survival rate for anyone who ends up in the notorious friend zone. Second, if you get friend zoned by a crush, file her under “who gives a shit?” and move on because it just ain’t gonna happen.
Hazel Gunapala is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences. She may be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. Appropriately Cynical appears alternate Thursdays this semester.