Before you go party hard tonight, watch Party Down: Starz's satiric telling of the harsher side of following your dreams. 

"So... All of time and space, everything that ever happened or ever will: Where do you want to start?"

Oh, The Vampire Diaries ... Seriously? Are you going to reference one of the few great vampire films to come out since Nosferatu in your title this week? Are we to be so brutally set up for hope, only to be doomed to depression and disappointment?

All this New Moon excitement, and post GGOM3 disappointment, has made me think about all the most epic of epic-est love triangles ever.

As an important disclaiming factoid about moi: My older brother, as we crossed paths on his way out of town for Thanksgiving and my way in, reminded me that even though I’m the one who talked him out of ever seeing Twlight, my need to incessantly mock it makes me just as bad as all the crazy McStalker Moms out there who love that shit. Which… is actually a really fair point.

Let’s be real: Too many commercials on television royally suck. The Hypodermic Needle Theory is a bust — we viewers do not absorb product desire simply through visual osmosis. Sure, sitting on my couch watching a Wife Swap marathon isn’t exactly the most intelligent thing I could do every Wednesday afternoon (hypothetically speaking), but that doesn’t make me the Scarecrow.

Let’s face it. We don’t need a bail-out for Wall Street or Main Street, the big guy or the little; we need a special welfare program for the children of the dumb-ass hos. That’s what I learned this week on everyone’s third-favorite-of-all-time teen vampire show, The Vampire Diaries: shitty parents are ruining America.

It has happened: The much anticipated (?) return of The Vampire Diaries to our televisions. This may be called the Spring Break edition recap.